The start of something new poses a positive and tangible optimism in the air. A renewed hope and a restored soul. To see something that you have prayed for, hoped for and worked so hard for finally get in motion, the heart does a back flip lands on its feet and jiggles in a happy dance.
So a week ago after our church ward meeting I stood with two beautiful souls that God brought into my life or rather God delivered me into their lives, by the parking bay and I blurted out “please pray for me, I am struggling to get in touch with my emotions”. That came out quicker than I could articulate what I was trying to say or to even stop myself from saying what now sounded absurd to me. What had I just said, did I even know what is was saying? It was too late, the cat had jumped out of the bag and now I had to deal with the touchy-feely responses of the people I knew cared. They where definitely going to take it seriously and they did.
Why I say I had to “deal” with the responses is because I actually was not looking for a response. I was not ready to dive into my emotions, if there were any to find in the first place. Not at that moment when I did not even know what I had just said, to say the least. So, one of my God given angels reached out to me and hugged me as she told me it’s okay to surrender to myself and my feelings. My other angel related to her own battle and they held me close. And an annoying void glared at me, it glared at the situation until it all felt awkward. An annoyed voice in my head retorted, saying “This is a moment you could show that you are human being you know, a tear roll or an unstoppable vent on what is causing this lack of emotion could do right now”. Silence, nothing but the void glared back, I held my angels close, but still the void glared right back.
We soon changed the topic after some heart warming advice from my angels with some pleasantries, an exchange of hugs and everyone started for their homes. Before I could turn on the ignition I gave myself a pep talk that went like “Are you crazy, how can you start something like that and not even go deep, surely whatever you are feeling they could have helped you get over it or you could have cried it all out with them and be fine by now”.
I often say I cannot cry before attentive eyes, and yes, it is real. So, lo and behold as soon as I left the church premises and turned into the street that headed home my tears welled out like a fountain. I cried the ugly cry. My wails and screams filled the air in the car. The thick air filtered into the void in my heart with a rush of emotions and the ugly cry turned into a soft sobbing of song “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee my blessed Saviour I surrender all” in my nasally squeaky voice of course. Immediately I knew what was the cause of my “I am struggling to get in touch with my my emotions” tantrum. It was a facet of things that I had refused to deal with because it meant dealing with the bad and the ugly, it meant wrestling and logging heads and it meant the feelings of helplessness and the feelings of defeat. I had for a long time turned my head away to all this and put it all at arms length and said “Nope, not my cup! not this year!”. Now, I have to confront it all before it fully consumes me.
So, I begin my journey of letting go. The journey of surrendering to myself and being vulnerable. I will stumble, fumble, rejoice and eventually, though it will be at a slow and gradual pace, I will get in touch with my emotions.